Two important reasons…

So a lot has happened in the past 20 months or so since my last update. While I always assume that the people reading this are my friends and family and know what is going on in my life, it came to my attention that when someone who blogs about cancer suddenly stops blogging it can be a bit concerning to any readers that aren’t “in the know.” I am very happy to say that I have two very important reasons why I haven’t been updating.

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The announcement for our “two important reasons.”

My husband and I welcomed twin baby boys, Owen & Nathaniel, to the world on April 17, 2014, almost two years to the day of the start of my cancer journey. I found out I was pregnant in August 2013 and that I was expecting twins on October 1, 2013 when I was 10 weeks along. We actually caught the surprise on camera. My sister, Sarah, came with me for my first ultrasound and filmed it for my husband who was on Army field duty that week, so you can watch that beautiful surprise here.

Initially I wasn’t able to blog because I very quickly started exhibiting symptoms of hyperemesis gravidarum (HG), or “that thing Kate Middleton gets when she’s pregnant,” as I usually tell people. Basically I had very severe all-day morning sickness and lost a lot of weight in my first trimester and had to go to the ER a couple of times. It’s more common in multiples pregnancies, however, I don’t want to scare any expecting twin+ moms out there, the odds are still in your favor that you will not have to struggle with it (I can’t find the figure, but I believe I read it occurs in 6 percent of multiples pregnancies vs. 1 percent of singleton pregnancies.)

To help manage the symptoms, I actually took Zofran for a few days, which is a drug most often given to cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy. For whatever reason, possibly because of my history on the drug in the past, Zofran didn’t work well for me. I have heard you can develop tolerance to it over time, so it becomes less effective. However, my OB suggested I take Unisom (normally an over-the-counter sleep aid) along with vitamin B12 at night before bed, which worked wonders (as long as I remembered to take it.)

I preface this by saying that I am not giving out medical advice here, but if you are a cancer fighter, expecting mom or anyone else struggling with nausea, you may want to ask your doctor if Unisom might be a good option for you. I loved that I could run to the drug store and get it over the counter without a prescription and that it was pretty affordable. Also, if you are an expecting mother please be sure to check the labels, the Unisom that has doccylamine succinate as the active ingredient is pregnancy friendly whereas the Unisom with diphenhydramine is not rated safe for the first trimester of pregnancy. I will also say that since this is a normally used as a sleep aid, you will almost certainly be groggy. I was able to reduce my dose to half a pill at night before bed and was functional the next morning with minimal or no nausea. Medicine affects everyone differently though, so you might feel up to driving/going to work/etc. on this medicine, you might not. Just see how it makes you feel and keep communicating with your doctor about what is or isn’t working for you.

Once we found something that helped my HG symptoms, my pregnancy went remarkably well. I delivered at 38 ½ weeks by scheduled C-section due to one of the babies being breached, but never had to be hospitalized or put on bed rest before that. I did have to start working from home and limit my driving and errands about six weeks before giving birth, which is around the time I was measuring the equivalent of a woman pregnant with a singleton at 40 weeks, which is normally full-term and when women pregnant with twins are more likely to go into labor early (which really makes sense.) I also had to go to the doctor starting at that time for twice a week monitoring to make sure I wasn’t going into pre-term labor.

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My belly at 38 weeks. I was measuring somewhere around 44 weeks pregnant at this point.

So, long story short, Owen was born at 12:43 p.m. on April 17, 2014 (Holy Thursday) weighing 7 lbs 7 oz and Nathaniel was born at 12:44 p.m. at 6 lbs 7 oz and we were able to bring them home on April 20, which happened to be Easter Sunday and also my two-year anniversary of the trip to the ER with chest pain that marked the beginning of my cancer journey. No words exist to described how incredibly blessed I feel to change that day forever in my mind from the anniversary of one of the scariest moments in my life, to the day I brought home my baby boys. Having two beautiful, healthy and happy baby boys so soon after cancer treatment was a blessing and privilege I never thought would be mine. I really thank God for all of his blessings in our lives, and I thank everyone for their prayers and support over the rollercoaster of the past few years.

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Owen (left) & Nathaniel (right) at the hospital.

That day was exactly 10 months ago, and Owen & Nathaniel are now crawling, standing, giggling and otherwise normal kids. They already say “Da Da” like its going out of style, and I hear the occasional “Ma Ma.” I expect they will be walking in the next few weeks, but only time will tell. Since that point, I went back to work for about five months and then became a stay-at-home-mom in January, when I left work to relocate with my family to Virginia for my husband’s military career. As I settle into this new life, I am not exactly sure what the future will hold for this blog, but I do have a few more posts up my sleeve related to pregnancy and parenting as a cancer survivor (and otherwise), so stay tuned for more entries!

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I don’t think we are in Texas, anymore!

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Lassie Love

To say I was involved in college, doesn’t even begin to scrape the surface. I held leadership positions in at least four student organizations (that I can think of), memberships in several others, wrote for the student newspaper for awhile, worked as a resident assistant for three years and held a variety of internships. I also, of course, managed to make time for tailgating and football on Saturdays in the fall, and did my fair share of partying. Though there was definitely room for improvement in my GPA, I was still accepted into the #1 advertising school in the country (which I chose not to go to for some reason) and also received assistantships/scholarships to several other graduate programs. You’re probably thinking, “Man, this chick is really bragging on herself.” However, I have a point and I’m about to get to it.

Though this is really a topic for another blog post, my advice to anyone about to start college is to 1) live on campus at least a year, and 2) get involved with student organizations. Not only are these tips statistically proven to increase graduation rates and GPA, but they also provide students with the opportunity to learn essential professional and relationship building/managing skills that will be used the rest of their lives. I can also trace back roughly 2/3 of my relationships and extended network back to these two tips.

I spoke a lot about the friendships I made through the Manship School of Mass Communication in an interview a few months back. However, before we get to today’s guest blog post, I really need to spotlight one of the student organizations I was in. I pledged the Army Scotch Guard, a non-greek sisterhood and service organization, my first semester at LSU. I can’t even begin to cover the importance of which my experiences with Scotch Guard have played in my life. Scotch Guard was founded by a Scottish man, which explains why our mascot was the Scottish terrier, we wore plaid uniforms and we called ourselves “lassies.” I became obsessed with all-things Scotty-related and eventually got my adorable fur-baby, Frasier, as a consequence.

The photo below was taken the day Rene & I picked Frasier up from the breeder in Oklahoma, Thanksgiving Weekend 2010. Note the Scotch Guard sweatshirt I’m wearing.

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Rene & I were also married by a Scotch Guard alumna as well. Several of my best friends are people I met through Scotch Guard (I’m even serving as a bridesmaid in one’s wedding in March.) Since Scotch Guard is affiliated with the ROTC, many Scotch Guard lassies are also either in the military or are military spouses, so I often find myself turning to them for military-related support and advice. Another lassie, Britni, coincidentally moved to Austin around the same time as me and was a tremendous support throughout my cancer journey. She even walked on my Light the Night team in November.

I can really spend all day talking about how the relationships I forged through Scotch Guard have benefited my life. However, the point is that relationships are important and you never know what role people will play in your life when you first meet them. My advice to other cancer fighters/survivors is not to be afraid to reach out to those old friends, friends of friends, acquaintances, or anyone else you think might be able to help you… no matter how long its been since you last spoke or saw each other (or even if you have never met). Support is everything. And they will most likely be happy to help.

Which brings me to another fellow lassie– Megan. Megan and I met in 2005 when I first joined Scotch Guard. She was a few years ahead of me, so we didn’t get to know each other extremely well before she graduated. However, one thing I always remembered was that she was a passionate volunteer for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I had a vague recollection that she may have been some type of cancer survivor, but I honestly was foggy on the details. When I found out I had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in May, I immediately thought of Megan. Luckily, we had remained Facebook friends in the six years or so since we had last seen each other (gotta love social media!) So I sent her a Facebook message that went sort of like this, “Hi Megan, I know I haven’t seen you in many years, but I think you might have had some sort of blood cancer (maybe?) and I just found out I have Hodgkin’s. Please help! P.S. Congrats on the marriage! Lassie Love!”

It turned out that Megan had actually also been diagnosed with Stage IIB Hodgkin’s Lymphoma about 10 years before at age 17. From that very first Facebook message, Megan gave me amazing information and advice. Among many many things, she gave me some insight on what to expect from the ABVD chemotherapy we both had (constipation anyone?) and also referred me to a great program with the American Cancer Society called Look Good/Feel Better. One of Megan’s sage pieces of wisdom is very fitting for this blog entry:

“It’s so so so important to have as many resources in your back pocket as you can when you go through something like this. Take hold of all of the supportive people in your life and make sure you are still doing some things that bring you a little joy each day.”

She’s still playing an amazing role in my life today, and even arranged an opportunity for me to speak at the New Orleans’ LLS chapter’s Fertility Forum for cancer patients & medical professionals in March.

Fertility Forum Save the Date 2013

Megan is now a 27-year-old clinical psychologist and very graciously agreed to do this guest blog post for me. Hopefully others will benefit from her experience like I did!

Q&A With Dr. Megan:

Megan Armstrong

Please give me a timeline of when you started suspecting something was wrong, receiving the diagnosis and treatment.
I started to suspect that something was wrong around Christmas-time in 2002. I just felt “weird.” I had a fever and a dizzy spell that came without explanation. Not too long after that, I started to notice that there was a lump on my neck. It wasn’t very large and really could have been mistaken for swollen lymph nodes due to an infection. First step was to see my primary care doc. I believe I tried two rounds of antibiotics to get rid of the “infection.” That didn’t work so I was sent to an ENT. He wanted to just wait, so we watched and waited for quite a while. I honestly can’t remember how long it was, but I do know that looking back, my parents were infuriated that he wasn’t aggressive enough. I eventually saw another ENT (same hospital) and had a needle biopsy in early March. We received a call that the results were “suspicious,” so I was scheduled for surgery.  I underwent surgical biopsy of the lymph node and by that time, it had grown in size, and was noticeably larger. I was diagnosed a few days later.
What were your initial feelings/reactions to receiving the diagnosis?
Honestly, when my family and I got the call that it was cancer, I really think we felt relieved. It was, of course, a somber moment. I remember my mom answering the phone, me running around the corner to watch her expression, and her telling me the answer just by the look on her face. I never thought I could feel devastated and relieved at the same time, but it’s possible. When I say relieved, it was a feeling that, “FINALLY, we know what it is!” It had been almost THREE months of waiting. More than anyone, 17 year olds really hate waiting because we’re all about immediate gratification! Now that we knew what it was, we could figure out a plan of attack. I became the most outwardly upset at my first visit with the oncologist. The chemo process sounded so scary, though I was very intrigued to hear that I could EAT while getting chemo! The worst part was hearing that I would indeed lose my hair. Hands. down. the. worst. part. I knew that it would likely happen, but having it confirmed was awful. I cried and cried. I cried so much that the nurses let me use the internal staff elevators to go throughout the hospital for my various tests so that I wouldn’t have to see anyone. For their kindness and patience, I am so thankful!
Has being a cancer survivor guided your life choices in any way? If so, how?
100% yes. You know, I’m a fortunate person because I’ve always been bright and motivated. I knew that one day I would do good things, but now I feel that I do and will continue to do GREAT things. Leaving high school, my intention was to study nursing at LSU. After a semester, I realized it wasn’t what I really wanted, so I had to do some soul-searching. I thought long and hard about what I really loved and what I’d be good at. I started to remember how much I loved my Psychology class in high school and it went from there. Throughout graduate school and beyond, I made the decision to become a psychologist who provides care to cancer patients and their loved ones. It has been an amazing and incredibly fulfilling. To be completely candid, sometimes I feel like I endured cancer so that I could serve a purpose on this earth – to improve the lives of those who are suffering from similar illnesses. That may not be completely true, but it’s at least my way of thinking about it. Perception is everything. 🙂
Do you assist oncology fighters/survivors in your profession? How so?
Currently, I do not in my paid profession. I had the unique opportunity to take a research position working with patients who have HIV/AIDS. I believe that while there are some differences between the diseases, there are some significant similarities. I absolutely love what I’m doing and I’m happy to have expanded my practice to other chronic illness groups. I do volunteer quite a bit with Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, so I am able to maintain a presence in the cancer community in that way.
What type of challenges do you think are unique to young adult cancer survivors?
I think living with cancer at a young age is unique because it occurs at such a pivotal developmental time point. At times, young adults fall into an unfortunate gap. On one hand, you are no longer a child, and while you get support from your parents, you don’t want to rely too much on them because you are at the stage of wanting to differentiate yourself and become autonomous. On the other hand, you don’t feel completely like an adult either. You’re just at the point of trying to figure out who you are. Cancer gets in the way of that process. Ultimately, that can be a good thing, but in the moment, it is NOT pleasant!
What is your biggest piece of advice to young adults that are first diagnosed, in treatment, and in recovery? (You can separate these out if you need to!)
The first thing I’d say to young adults at first diagnosis is – It CAN be done. I was treated in a hospital for adults and was by far the youngest patient there. I never saw ANY examples of young patients and didn’t know of any young adult survivors. For those who may have a similar experience, I want them to know that you CAN get through this. Throughout this process, be mindful. When I say be mindful, pay attention – make the choice to pay attention to the small pieces of light and goodness that are happening. At times, it won’t feel like much is good. I look back and realize how many people sent cards/flowers or said prayers. I was/am so loved. Much like everyone who is caught up in the day to day, I have to remind myself to be mindful of those things. Oftentimes, when we are thrust into a difficult situation, it’s easy to only focus on what’s going wrong. I am in no way saying that cancer is great and fun – NO WAY!! I just want to point out that there is potential for a great personal growth. Having cancer as a young adult means you are an ordinary person faced with extraordinary circumstances – just try your best. You will never be perfect at coping with it, so accept that.
Please describe any challenge you might still have 9-10 years out of treatment.
My answer for this would be the same as it is for 20, 30, 50, 70 years out of treatment. I’ve learned that if you are diagnosed with cancer, cancer will forever be a part of your life.  Some days I think about my cancer experience and some days, I don’t. I tend to think about it more if I have an follow up appointment approaching soon. I struggled quite a bit the first 5 years out because I was hyper-vigilant about any little body ache/pain I felt. If this is you, you’re not alone! I can say that it gets better over time, but it will never go completely away. I’ve accepted that. The farther you get away from it, the easier it becomes. Overall, I’ve embraced that I’m a cancer survivor and I”m proud of it!!!!

Light the Night

The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Annual Light the Night fundraiser was on last Saturday on Nov. 3! As you might recall from my post 2/3 of the way through! several members of my Army family surprised me with a “Team Laura” night back in July. They had “Geaux Team Laura” t-shirts made and showed up at one of our favorite BBQ restaurants called The Salt Lick. Another way they showed their support was by creating a Geaux Team Laura team for Austin’s Light the Night. I’m so happy and proud to report that we exceeded our fundraising goal by more than $400! The event itself raised more than $830,000 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and I am so proud to have been a part of this amazing effort. I can’t wait to attend next year, and I hope to be further involved now that I have more time for living vs. surviving.

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Team Laura repping at Light the Night 2012 at Lake Mueller Park in Austin.

The Light the Night volunteers gave everyone balloons to symbolize their role of support at the walk. I was given a white balloon to show that I was a survivor. The others were given red balloons to show that they were supporters. Others were given gold balloons to show that they were walking in memory of someone who had passed away from blood cancer. I’m so thankful that I’m still here today to walk in these events and speak publicly about my illness. Seeing all the gold balloons brought home the fact that so many people are not here to do that for themselves.

Along with my Army family, some truly amazing friends of mine from Louisiana are also living in Austin and walked with us as well. They have been such a major part of my life and I don’t know where I would be without them.

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From left to right: My “homegirls” Megan, me and Britni at Light the Night 2012.

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My hubby and self-dubbed “personal trainer,” Rene, was a front-row supporter at Light the Night as well.

Speaking of training, on Sunday I finished the second week of Couch to 5K! The second week work outs consisted of a 5 minute walk, followed by alternating intervals of 90 second runs and 2 minute walks, along with a 5 minute cool down walk. As I mentioned in my last entry, I’d been thinking about what I wanted my goal fitness goals to be beyond completing a 5K sometime around the New Year.

This past weekend, I did something a little crazy. I signed up for the Inaugural Nike Women’s Half-Marathon in Washington, D.C. to benefit the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I think its pretty rad that my first race will be the first year that the race will be held in D.C. Along with being our nation’s capital, it’s also one of my favorite cities and home to many of my amazing friends. The run will take place on April 28, 2013, which is significant to me for a couple of reasons. It’s the weekend after my 26th birthday. It also falls in between the first anniversaries of when I went into the ER for chest pain (April 20), and when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s (May 11). It’s very fitting that I’ll get to celebrate both my birth and survival by running to raise awareness and funds to fight blood cancers! If you’re interested in helping me reach my goal, please visit my fundraising page.

Along with the excitement, I’m also scared as well! Even before I had cancer, I never ran that far in my life. I certainly have never committed to fundraising that much money as an individual before either! That being said though, after doing a lot of research and soul searching, I just know in my heart that this is the right time, the right race and the right cause for me. I can do this and I know I will feel amazing for it! Cancer has definitely shown me that there’s no time like the present to get busy living.

Half-Way There Update

I haven’t posted in awhile because honestly I’m at a part of my treatment where not a whole lot of “new” things are developing and I felt kind of “blah.” I had my third chemo treatment last week which means I’m at the half-way point through chemo! I’m really glad because I’m ready for it to be over with! I’ve noticed an increase in fatigue, aches and pains, as well as hot flashes this treatment. While I haven’t had as many nausea issues, I’ve noticed a pretty constant tummy ache and mouth tenderness. I think this is all pretty standard stuff for this stage of treatment, but I’m ready to just feel good again. Unfortunately, I was only able to make it to work two days last week and two days this week. I’ve been having an inner debate about going on disability or telecommuting. It’s a tough decision for me to make because it is nice going into work and using my brain and seeing people. But the 60-minute commute really knocks me out. And its also frustrating when I do feel sick that I’m so far away from my doctors and family.

On Tuesday, I have an x-ray where I’m hoping we’ll find out how much the tumor has shrunk! I’m hoping I might have less treatments, but that is probably wishful thinking! I will definitely appreciate prayers to that effect though! Earlier this week, I unfortunately found out that there is a 30-day waiting period between chemotherapy ending in mid-August and starting radiation. Instead of being done with treatment in mid-September like I thought, it will be more like mid-October. Disappointing, to say the least. But I am hopeful that I will still be able to attend the LSU vs. Texas A&M game on October 20 in College Station, which also happens to be my husband’s 25th birthday! I think an in-state LSU football fix is just what I need! I’ve been lucky that there’s been a steady stream of Texas games since I’ve moved here. I was able to attend both the Cotton Bowl vs. Texas A&M in January 2011 and the season opener against Oregon in Dallas last year. Next year I am hoping I can return to Death Valley in Baton Rouge. I haven’t been to a football game at LSU since 2008, so I’m long overdue.

Focusing on exciting events post-chemo is pretty much what I do for entertainment when I’m not feeling well. Mainly researching possible future vacations and looking at bridesmaids dresses (I’m in four weddings within 9 months of each other).  I’m trying not to be too jealous when I see people posting their exciting vacation and special event photos. I’m looking at this as being forced to save money so I can do it big in 2013 & 2014! I’m really very blessed because the situation I’m in is temporary. I watched a documentary on Mother Theresa yesterday and it reminded me how blessed I am that I live in a developed country, I have access to affordable healthcare and treatment, and have an amazing support system. Even in America, there are many people that have long-term conditions and cancers with worse prognoses, and people who don’t have health insurance or access to treatment the way I do. So I am happy and blessed that I can plan for the future!

When I’m not doing making those post-chemo plans, I’m watching various TV shows and movies. I’m very lucky and have many people to thank, so I’ll usually write a few thank you notes to people on days when I’m not at work. And then there’s always laundry, dishes, cooking and the occasional chore to take care of when I’m feeling up to it.

It might not sound like a lot or particularly entertaining, but I’m really not bored. I’m usually someone who has to be constantly going going going, but I’m generally okay with how things are. That’s not to say I don’t have those days where I’m an emotional wreck and don’t feel like myself, because there are. There was a particularly rough day on Tuesday, where I made quite the scene at the CVS pharmacy with my patchy bald-headed self and basically refused to wait in line for the umpteenth time that day and made them come to me in the waiting area to discuss my prescriptions. And that’s not to say that there aren’t days where I’m feeling fine and will even do fun stuff. Rene’s military ball was two days before my last chemo, so not only was I able to go but I also was up to dancing and really enjoying myself. I also went to a Hail & Farewell dinner for Rene’s unit and just didn’t stay the whole time. It probably sounds cliche, but it really is about doing what you can when you can.

Rene & I at this homecoming ball.

My friend Victoria said it really well a few weeks back, “Instead of walking around Target, I rolled around in a cart or I grabbed pizza to go instead of sitting in the pizzeria … you can find little adjustments that you can make for yourself without totally limiting your life. I actually think it makes you a happier patient when you tackle treatment that way …cause it’s not all 24/7 treatment — It’s Laura’s life sprinkled in here and there.”

Team Laura

I am so so happy to have my husband home. He’s currently passed out and readjusting to American time, so I decided to take this opportunity to blog. My sister, Sarah, is a photographer and took some amazing photos of his homecoming, so I will wait to make a special blog post about the event once the photos are ready. If you’re interested, you can check out her Facebook page K Photography to see some of her stuff. In the meantime, my mother-in-law snapped this photo on the way back from the airport on Sunday.

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As my brother-in-law said, Player two has joined the fight!

In the few days that I’ve been blogging I have received so many encouraging messages from so many people! I’ve loved reconnecting with people I haven’t talked to in ages and some I haven’t met at all. It’s so cool to know I have people on Team Laura from around the country and even a few in other countries.

So many people have sent me messages saying that I have a positive attitude, and that I’m brave and strong. Honestly, I’m fighting this battle because I have to and don’t have a choice! The people I really see as strong, brave, selfless, generous, you name it are all of the people that have been supporting me through this! Many of them have absolutely no obligation to. They have been extremely selfless and gone well above and beyond the call of duty.

My mom and sister for example have been living with me for the past six weeks until Rene came home so I’d have someone around in case emergencies popped up, if I needed a driver to appointments, etc. People have been coming out of the wood work offering to give my family a break if they needed, take me out to get my mind off things, bring me to appointments, etc. My friend Meagan and her entire family (including extended) have pretty much the whole New Orleans archdiocese praying for me. My brother-in-law’s coworkers have asked where they could donate to help with my medical bills (I’ve never even met them), my friend College Station Amy made me a Facebook page to connect with other young adults with cancer, the list goes on. I truly believe the people who make up the support system are the true heroes in this whole cancer thing, and they are so often unsung.

My church made me a prayer shawl and my Bible study group prayed over it. My pastor friend, Amy, said she could actually feel the prayers and it is true!

I have some pretty nasty sores on my neck from the port-a-cath placement earlier today and I swear the shawl has made them feel 10 times better.

I went public about my lymphoma diagnosis maybe a few hours before a spouse’s meeting for Rene’s unit, and somehow they had time to make me a giant poster card and buy a beautiful plant for my patio. They also want to get a Team Laura together for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Light the Night Walk this fall.

A group of my friends from LSU and I participated in a public relations case study competition called Bateman. We’re all still besties to this day, and I was absolutely stoked when I saw this basket in front of my house the week after my diagnosis. They had special ordered lime green cancer awareness cookies just for me.

For each cookie, $1 is donated to the American Cancer Society. Or as Parker says, For every cookie I eat I get a new super hero power.

The same group of friends also made me an internet sensation over the weekend. My friend Parker created a Facebook cover page for Team Laura that quickly caught on with most of our Mass Comm friends and a few others.

It was so bizarre seeing my face pop up on everyone’s news feed the past couple days!

My journalist friend Amy (there’s a lot of Amy’s in my life so I have to qualify them) probably shocked me the most. The day after I told her about my lymphoma she sent me a message that said, “I just did something drastic.” A million things popped into my head. Did she get a tattoo? Quit her job? Shave her head? No. What she did was completely awesome. She signed up for a half-marathon in Philadelphia to raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Seriously. That’s 13.1 miles. Of running. That is such an amazing thing to do for someone and I am so proud to call her my friend. If you’re interested in donating or monitoring Amy’s progress you can check out her fundraising page here. Her page went public yesterday and she has already reached 39% of her goal!

These are just a few of the 5 million amazing ways people have supported me. I can literally write a novel on this topic. I feel so incredibly blessed to have a Team Laura.